


There’s Definitely Been Weirder Things

by cinemastories



Category: Santa Clarita Diet (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Choking, Deepthroating, F/M, PWP, Pegging, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Recreational Drug Use, Sex Toys, Slight Femdom, deepthroat training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 18:38:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16352018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinemastories/pseuds/cinemastories
Summary: Sheila is one freaky bitch!





	There’s Definitely Been Weirder Things

**Author's Note:**

> i am genuinely suprised that no one else has done this

The clock had just rolled over to 1:30. Sheila had just got back from getting herself a midnight snack and was in the downstairs bathroom showering. Abby was- well Abby was probably doing the exact opposite of whatever it was that she told them she was doing that night. Joel thought absentmindedly about his daughter and Eric sneaking into Magic Mountain, as though it was the most thrilling thing in the world to wander a dark amusement park with no running rides in the middle of the night. He was glad that Abby wasn’t into drinking or anything like that; simply liked a little bit of debauchery. He supposed he could accept that, the fact of it seeming perspectively insignificant to the unbelievable truths he had been forced to accept as of recent.  
Joel shifted against his pillow, paying only half attention to the cooking show he watched on TV. He reached over to his bedside table, grabbing his little vape pen with a THC oil cartridge at the end of it. He took a draw from it and let his head swim before he realized that the shower downstairs turned off. Sheila had made a habit of going quickly into the bathroom downstairs to shower and brush her teeth after feedings. Joel had never asked her to do this, nor would he think to, but she decided that after the fifth time of him stopping her ‘honey-I’m-home’ kiss mid-pucker to sheepishly ask her to wipe her mouth of the blood or skin at the corners, that they would both be better off with her freshening up soon after she got home.  
She opened the door, absolutely glowing underneath her white robe. Sheila grinned at him and Joel grinned back; they still stunned each other after all these years. She padded around the bed and over to him, hair pulled to one side as she dried it with a soft towel.  
“Hi baby,” she said against his lips before kissing him.  
“Hey,” he said, placing his hand at her hip to rub affectionately up and down, “How was it?”  
Sheila laughed a little out of pure delight of the memory of her meal, “So good; exactly what I needed.”  
She tossed her hair towel over into the basket and sat sideways on the bed by Joel’s knees, facing him. Sheila put her hands on his lower thighs and massaged slowly upward. Joel raised his eyebrows at her, as though this wasn’t practically a routine after almost every time she fed. She got up and straddled his lap, hands placed lightly on his chest as she kissed him deeply. Joel moved his hands over her bare thighs, then passed the fabric of her robe to cup her ass and pull her close. She pulled back after a little while, kissing down his cheek over to his ear.  
“I wanna try something a little different tonight, honey,” she whispered before leaning back to survey his reaction.  
Joel couldn’t play it cool even if he tried, the prospect of whatever freaky shit she was going to bring up was making his heart pound.  
He smiled excitedly, “Oooh, what did you have in mind? Did you buy some kinky outfit to wear? Are we gonna do some roleplay or something?”  
She bit her lip, still smirking coyly, “Not exactly, but I _did_ buy some stuff. Here, lemme go get it.”  
Joel gave her butt a playful tap as she climbed off of him and went into the closet. He decided it was a good time to take a hit off of his pen and did so as he glanced over to the window to make sure the curtains were drawn.  
“Okay, look,” she said at the other end of the room.  
He didn’t stop taking a pull from his pen and began to cough harshly both from the massive hit and the sight in front of him. There was Sheila, his sweet and funny Sheila that he had known forever, was standing there naked with an absolutely obscene red dildo strapped to the front of her. As he caught his breath, he couldn’t decided whether he was too stoned or not stoned enough for this situation.  
She put her hands up like one would to show a scared animal that they meant no harm, “Okay just let me explain.”  
But he couldn’t take his wide eyes away from the strap-on. Because he knew what she wanted to do with that angry red thing and it wasn’t to hammer nails into the walls.  
“Sheila that thing is fucking enormous,” he squeaked.  
She rolled her eyes and put free hand on her hip. He hadnt even noticed that she was also holding a container of KY.  
“Okay, don’t be dramatic it’s like six, seven inches.”  
Joel gulped, “Yeah that’s not comforting, Sheils.”  
She walked over to him and he unconsciously recoiled from the dildo as it swung slightly with her steps.  
“Come on Joel, it’s not going to bite you,” she teased before growing a little more serious, “If you really don’t want to, then we won’t do it. I just thought it would be kinda fun.”  
He understood her sincerity and looked down at the pen in his hand, considering.  
“And kinda hot,” she added.  
That made him laugh, his tense shoulders loosening and his breathing steadying. After a few more moments, he decided that if he could be open to his playing accomplice as his undead wife murders and eats people, then he could be open to trying some butt stuff.  
“Oh why not,” he shrugged, a little smile on his face as he took another hit incase his confidence was due to the marijuana.  
She cheered and kissed him hard with a smile on her face as he put the pen back on the table. Sheila made quick work of removing his clothes. Joel’s heart still thumped anxiously in his chest, but he trusted his wife unequivocally and knew she would take it slow with him. Sheila grabbed a towel from the basket and put it on the edge of the bed, asking him to sit on it before she knelt down to suck him off. She was good at it, per usual. In time, she had learned all the little things that Joel really liked. She popped off of the head of his cock and gazed up at him as she swirled her thumb over the tip while she sucked gently on one of his balls. It wasn’t long before she had him leaning back on his hands, panting and grunting. She stroked him steadily as she reached over to grab the bottle of KY. Sheila placed her hands on both of his knees, spreading his legs with a devious grin on his face, like she wanted to devour him.  
She coated her middle finger in the slick, clear substance, slowly circling his hole. Joel nearly jumped out of his skin at the sensation, but mostly because he had been hyping himself up. Soon, he relaxed a little more and shut his eyes; she took his as the go-ahead to work the digit in up to the knuckle. She felt him tighten up, so she rubbed his inner thigh.  
“Relax, baby, I’m right here. You want more lube?”  
He nodded, eyes still screwed shut. She grabbed the bottle, applying some directly to his asshole as well as her finger. It slipped in more easily and she pushed it in all the way. She gave him a moment to adjust and move farther up on the bed before holding up one of his legs by the knee with her free hand and slowly moving the finger in and out, making a curling motion as she did so. Joel was shocked that it didn’t feel bad in the least, but also felt like little more than what it was: just one finger.  
He opened his eyes and looked down at her. He decided to give her a better vantage point and pulled his knees up toward himself, holding the back of his thighs and further exposing himself.  
“You can uh,” he cleared his throat, “you can put in another one now, i-if you want.”  
“Oooooh, if I _want_ , huh?” she purred.  
Joel blushed hard and Sheila took her middle finger out before lubing up and adding her pointer finger to the equation. She did it slowly again, only going to about the knuckle before applying yet more lube and then fitting both fingers all the way in. At this, Joel let out a small, quivering moan. Sheila bit her lip and curled her fingers over and over, slowly picking up speed and pushing her fingers deep in him. Suddenly, Joel felt an unfamiliar jolt of pleasure as she grazed what he knew had to be his prostate.  
“Oh- _fuck_ Sheila, right there,” he groaned.  
Sheila giggled at him and repeated her motions over and over until Joel had let go over his legs and needily writhed and ground down on her fingers. She leaned over him and kissed him hard, resisting the urge to give him a good bite.  
“Turn over, Joel,” she instructed, taking her fingers out of him.  
He did so shakily, draping himself over the edge of the bed, hips pressed against the towel.  
“Sit up on your elbows and arch your back,” she demanded behind him.  
Joel always loved a pushy Sheila. He did as she said and wiggled his toes excitedly as he heard the cap of the lube pop open. She lubed up yet another finger and swiped the excess between his cheeks before repeating her processes, this time getting through the spreading part of it more quickly.  
“Oh, you like this, don’t you baby? Look back at me.”  
He turned his head over his shoulder, just able to to see her and her arm moving. She leaned over and kissed him like that.  
“You ready?” she asked after a minute or two.  
He nodded wordlessly as she removed her fingers, resting flat against the bed as he assumed she prepped the dildo. But she spoke behind him instead.  
“Well, come suck it.”  
He turned to look at her again, and he knew that, despite her playful, devilish grin, she wasn’t kidding even a little bit. Joel’s face heated up and he slowly moved down to his knees as she rose to stand. He stared at the bright red strap-on.  
“You don’t have to worry about being perfect about your teeth, I can’t feel it,” she said cheekily, taking his jaw in her hand and tapping the side of his mouth with the thick rubber.  
Joel chuckled and rolled his eyes before taking it in his hand. He licked tentatively up with side, not sure what he was expecting when all he tasted was something vaguely like a rubberband. It was definitely bearable, though, and he stared up into Sheila’s eyes as he took the head into his mouth, stroking himself slowly. She smirked and grabbed a handful of his hair, forcing him down just a little more. He went with it before he gagged with it only halfway in his mouth.  
She sucked her teeth and snickered, “Oh honey, you’re miserable at this.”  
He came off of the dildo and have her an incredulous look, “Well I apologize, Sheila, but I haven't had much practice in the dick-sucking department.”  
She frowned jokingly and firmly tapped his cheek with the rubber cock, “Awww, baby I’m sorry. Here, let’s give you some lessons. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”  
Joel almost wanted to protest but Sheila gripped his jaw so it was wide open. He stuck his tongue out and she slapped the dildo against it. He closed his mouth around it and she moved both hands to take two handfuls of hair at the back of his head.  
“Now, just open your throat really wide, like you’re taking a shot or something.  
He did so and she slowly pushed the rubber cock further into his mouth, retracting it after he gagged loudly.  
“Good job, baby, you’re only about an inch-and-a-half away!” she cheered as he cleared his throat and wiped his watery eyes. “Just a little more now.”  
She gave him a second to catch his breath before he took it back in his mouth and she slowly pushed the dildo farther back. He was sure had taken it all the way as he got it a bit farther down from breathing hard through his nose, but alas, she informed him that he had a mere half-inch to go. The next time around, Sheila eased it in slowly again before suddenly bucking her hips forward so that Joel had no choice but to take it all the way to the back of his throat. He gagged hard but she held him there for even a moment after that before retreating from his mouth, a thick trail of saliva leading from his tongue to the dildo. She let go of his hair and stroked the rubber cock, slicking it up with his spit.  
“Lay down.”  
Joel got up and laid down on the bed. She applied a little lube to the dildo for good measure and moved his legs so he was laying partly to the side with his knees pressed together. He stroked himself as she lined the dildo up with his hole and slowly pushed it in inch by inch, having to take it out a couple of times to apply more lube. Eventually, though she was all the way in him, slowly rocking her hips. He moved to a more comfortable position on his stomach, propped up by his elbows. She straddled his thighs and spread his cheeks with either hand, letting a trail of spit from her mouth fall down slowly onto his asshole. She kept him partly spread with one hand and lined the dildo up once more, now quickly slipping all of the way into him. Sheila then moved her hands to grip his lower back as she began fucking him with some speed.  
“Oh my _god_ , Sheila. That’s so fucking good,” he moaned.  
“You like that, baby?” she asked, holding his throat with one hand and kissing his ear.  
He let out a hard groan. “Shit- h-harder.”  
Sheila applied some pressure to his throat, fucking him harder now. He gripped the sheets hard and screwed his eyes closed, begging her not to stop. However, she did stop. She pulled out and Joel almost felt betrayed. Sheila walked around the other side of the bed and climbed onto it, sitting up against the pillows. She gave him a come-hither motion with her glistening pointer finger. He smirked at her and crawled over to her. Joel straddled her thighs and helped her line the dildo up with his hole before he sunk down onto it, shuttering. He leaned back on his hands between her knees and rolled his hips up and down as she stroked his cock. Eventually, his wrists got tired like that and he adjusted to be on his knees again, moving up and down the cock. Soon, he was moaning and grunting over and over again and she could tell he was getting close. Sheila grabbed his hands and put them to her breasts; he squeezed gratefully.  
“Come on, Joel, come for me honey,” she murmured, jerking him off.  
He rode the strap hard, tweaking one of her nipples as he stuttered to a halt, breath caught in his throat as he came hard on her torso and underneath her breasts. Joel rode out his orgasm and groaned hard until he was nothing but a panting mess. A moment later, she helped him off and he rolled to lay on his side, watching with tired eyes as she went into the bathroom to clean up. She emerged with the strap-on in her hand, and she set it in the laundry basket, placing the towel over top of it.  
“I’ll clean it tomorrow,” she yawned, turning off the lamps and crawling into bed with her husband.  
She backed up against him and he wrapped his arms around her.  
“Night, babe,” he whispered hoarsely, already drifting off.  
“G’night baby,” she whispered back, a little smile still on her face.


End file.
